Being alone and feeling lonely are entirely different things, but unfortunately, society tends to confuse the two all the time. Women with fewer friends are characterized by having high autonomy, one of the three key components of Self-Determination Theory (SDT).
As per SDT, autonomy is the urge to control one’s behavior and objectives. Women with a high sense of autonomy do not rely on anyone to give them the impression that they are doing well. They do not require a squad to affirm their decisions and their self-worth. Since they are confident about themselves, there is less of a need to seek validation through a social network. In other words, this kind of comfort while being alone indicates high emotional intelligence. However, the drawback is that one doesn’t call someone else just because they are bored.
5. The “hyper-vigilant” heart
Let’s admit the truth here: there is such thing as a fortress of a small circle, and not just a garden of Eden. There is a reason why many women who avoid large circles have experienced relational trauma.
Neurologically speaking, whenever you are emotionally betrayed by someone you trust, your amygdala—a part of the brain responsible for emotional reactions—becomes sensitive to social stimuli. Your eyes pick up on little signs that other people miss, like an eye roll or an inconsistency in actions. You walk away from these people because you want to protect yourself. And even though it is effective, it is the one quality that you have to examine within yourself: do you have a small circle because you found “your people” or because you’ve constructed a wall?
Quality is the only metric
There have been many times when we’ve heard the term “epidemic of loneliness” mentioned in various conversations, followed immediately by a hurried call to action for us all to start socializing again. But there is one very important factor that this popular discourse ignores completely. Professor John Cacioppo was a neuroscientist and a world-renowned expert on loneliness who worked at the University of Chicago and spent his life’s work proving that the concept of loneliness is far from simply being lonely. What he discovered was that it doesn’t matter how many people you meet; what truly matters is the sense of security and connection with other individuals.
Cacioppo’s studies highlighted the notion that loneliness functions similar to a biological alarm system, just like hunger or thirst. Even if you are surrounded by twenty people whom you refer to as friends and feel the need to hide yourself behind social pleasantries, your brain will still send out that alarm for loneliness. The reason being that you are emotionally isolated. However, on the other hand, you might only have one friend who you speak to every week but who knows everything about you – your past, your worries, and even your unadulterated opinions – and you could not feel any more secure.
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